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Answering machine messages can bee a function of expression as well as an expression of function.

At the Beep...

Hi. Now, you say something.

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED! But, we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Hi! Keith's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is KVLK, you're on the air.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you're caller number nine!

The following should be spoken very quickly: Hi, this is 904-4443. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP!.

This is the Literacy Self-test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Please prepare for the test. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? BEEP!

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

From a Japanese answering machine: "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone."

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Tammy, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but, I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Recorded directly from AT&T: We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassemruoy evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please hang up and try again.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Klingon voice: ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep, leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Narrator's voice: There Ray sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

You have reached Míc's car phone. Sorry, he is home right now. Leave a message and, he'll call you back when he leaves.

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